The big error that I see marriage mentors make is skipping the consequence questions. They tend to hear a problem and then jump to a solution. Often, someone hasn’t decided that the problem is big enough to solve.

We need to focus on the consequence phase.

Jumping to Solutions Too Early

Here’s how this often goes:

Wife: “I need words of affirmation to feel loved and I’d like to have more of them from my husband.”

Mentor: “Husband, what did you just hear?”

Husband: “I heard that she wants more kind words from me. It’s true that I don’t compliment her much.”

Mentor: “Do you think that you can complement her more this week?”

What just happened?

The wife stated something that she wanted from her husband. The husband agreed that he didn’t affirm her very much. Then, the mentor jumped right to an action.

We don’t really know if the husband believes that this is a big enough problem to solve. If he doesn’t view it as a very big problem, then actions to solve it won’t work well.

This is what I see happen frequently. Mentors hear a problem and immediately jump to a solution.

The Consequence Phase

What would happen if we added consequence questions?

Wife: “I need words of affirmation to feel loved and I’d like to have more of them from my husband.”

Mentor: “Husband, what did you just hear?”

Husband: “I heard that she wants more kind words from me. It’s true that I don’t compliment her much.”

Mentor: “Wife, when you don’t get compliments, how do you feel?”

Wife: “I don’t feel that he values me. It’s like he doesn’t love me at all.”

Mentor: “When you don’t feel valued, how do you react?”

Wife: “I feel unappreciated. I guess I get grouchy and then I shut down.”

Mentor: “Does it cause you to complain or criticize?”

Wife: “I know he thinks I complain too much. Some of it is from feeling neglected.”

Mentor: “Are you saying that if your husband complemented you more, you wouldn’t complain as much?”

Wife: “I think so.”

Husband: “I didn’t know this was such a big deal to you. I didn’t know it hurt you so much.”

Mentor: “Husband, it sounds like you don’t like to be criticized either.”

Husband: “No, but it makes sense if she’s feeling so unloved.”

Mentor: “Husband, would you be willing to try to affirm her more?”

Husband: “I’d be willing to work on that.”

Do you see the difference? By asking consequence questions, the wife was able to express how much this means to her. The husband became more aware of the impact of his actions on his wife.

How Many Consequence Questions?

With some couples, it only takes a few questions. Other times, this may be a longer process for them. It may take a number of dialogs.

Marriage education helps by explaining common poor behaviors and common impacts. This can give the couple awareness and a language for what happens in their relationship.

Changing involves understanding your patterns and the impact of those behaviors on your relationship.

Other posts you might like:

Consequence Questions 1: How to Help a Couple Change

Consequence Questions 3: Two Types

Have you ever jumped from a problem to a solution? What was the result?